#16 Avoiding Large Jewish Organizations

There are a number of large well established and well funded Jewish organizations that have been around for a number of decades. These organizations, like Hadassah, B’nai Brith, or AIPAC, while important to the larger Jewish community, are typically shunned by the Jewish Young Adult of today.

Part of the reason for the disassociation stems from demographic differences between the JYA community and the typical members of these large Jewish organizations. Organization members are overwhelming part of the Jewish Elders category; frequently parents or grandparents of the JYAs themselves. A Jewish Elder is defined as any Jew who does not use text messaging for one reason or another. (Note, reasoning behind text-message avoidance by JEs include “I don’t know how to work this thing”, or the common “These letters are so small”)

(Jewish Elders in their natural habitat)

Another reason for the division between JYAs and large Jewish organization is the JYA’s incessant need to assert their independence from their predecessors. While this attempt at independence is admirable, it is based on the JYA’s counterfactual belief that he/she will not end up becoming a JE in the future.

While the JYA of today will claim to avoid any interaction with large Jewish organizations, it is not uncommon for the JYA to simply be either hiding the truth or involved in one of the carefully disguised sub-organizations that cater to JYAs, like BBYO or Young Judaea. Many JYAs will claim ignorance or disbelief when asked about their relationship to large Jewish organizations.

“Rachel”, a female JYA, when asked about her Lifetime Membership to Hadassah, responded “It’s totally not my fault. My great aunt Esther signed me up as a Bat Mitzvah present”. “Matt”, another JYA, had a similarly elusive reply when questioned about the monthly AIPAC flyers he receives in the mail, stating “I mean, I just get them, you know, I don’t actually go to their meetings or anything like that”.

Even though the JYA will go to extremes to convince Non-JYAs that he/she is unaware of their connection to large Jewish organizations, there is an inevitable outcome that will always favor the organizations. Eventually the JYA becomes a Jewish Adult and suddenly realizes a pressing need to acknowledge these organizations, replenishing the numbers and maintaining head count at board meetings.

#15 Claiming Allergies to Common Foods

(submitted by Mike S. and written by Natalie K.)

While their parents had to contend with truly frightening maladies that disproportionately affect Jews like Tay-Sachs or building pyramids for Pharaoh, today’s JYAs take a more domestic approach and focus their grievances on highly specific and sometimes counter-intuitive gastrointestinal complaints that are the resulting of eating incredibly common foods.

Frequently, JYAs will claim to be lactose intolerant but will make an exception for goat cheese. Perhaps is it the same midrashic compulsion to find loopholes that gives us Shabbat Elevators that is responsible for the widespread refusal to acknowledge the lactose contained in goat cheese. It is not uncommon to witness a JYA send a meal back because there is cheese on it, but then be seen eating off a nearby goy’s plate or shaking parmesan cheese over the now cheese-bare dish.

Another favorite complaint of JYAs is a mild (never life threatening) allergy to wheat or gluten. Wheat and gluten are contained in everything delicious that is not lactose based, including pasta and bread. One might surmise from self-reporting that eating a cheese sandwich would kill a JYA. Observation would suggest that wheat and gluten allergies do not prevent JYAs from consuming these foods, it just grants them license to complain about the state of their stomach for hours after any meal.

JYAs are, however, prepared to combat these problems by using their arsenal of stomach medicines, but only after the requisite period of voiced anguish. A glance inside a JYA medicine cabinet will reveal at least three of the following: Pepto-Bismol, Rolaids, Beano, Tums, Prilosec, and/or Pepcid.

Mild food allergies allow the JYA to be as picky as a vegan without having their choice looked upon as moral posturing and in fact without having to substantively change the way they eat. The ubiquity of dairy and wheat products does not suggest to the JYA anything about food culture, rather it is a symptom of a world unfairly prejudiced against the Jewish people.

#14 High Fiving

According to the 1980 entry in Merriam-Webster, a High Five is “a slapping of upraised right hands by two people (as in celebration)”. The origin of the gesture remains unknown, but it was popularized in the world of American basketball culture of the late Seventies and early Eighties. Since then the act of raising one’s hand to slap the raised hand of another has transcended sport into every facet of life, and is widely recognized as signifying mutual satisfaction, congratulation, or approval.

While High Fiving is not exclusively Jewish, Jewish Young Adults seem to be prone to High Fiving to unprecedented degrees considering their typical lack of sport affiliation. In fact, the high five has can be employed as a stand in for almost any standard social contact.

For example, when two JYAs meet spontaneously or at a prearranged location they exchange a relaxed manual greeting, which, while it is definitely five, is not necessarily high (ie the “Low Five”). Or, if the JYA has recently enjoyed an achievement— like a conjugal encounter or a promotion at work— observers will note an enthusiastic and extremely high five.

One possible reason why JYAs High Five more than other groups could be their constant need for affirmation, possibly due to lingering maternalistic feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Another possible reason for JYA’s propensity to High Five could stem from their need to assert their uniqueness by bonding with other JYAs, particularly in public settings where they are surrounded by Non-JYAs.

For this reason, JYAs construct elaborate and unique “Fiving” rituals with those in their inner circle. These can be complex constructions that can take up to twenty seconds to complete, and can be accompanied by sound effects or verbal utterances. JYAs will never, under any circumstances be seen “giving ten.”

Truly, the splendor of nature’s variation is evident in the high fives’ diversity of expression in the JYA community. Even a casual observer will be rewarded with brilliant displays arising from seemingly ordinary circumstances.

#13 Writing About Themselves

In addition to organizing themselves, Jewish Young Adults are particularly apt to write about themselves, ad nauseam in fact. JYAs will take the time to write about themselves and their exploits to the point where an Op-Ed piece in the Jerusalem Post is practically a prerequisite for getting married in Israel.

Self-referential writing is not just limited to the blogosphere either. JYAs write about themselves in countless print magazines and newspapers as well. There is a JYA magazine or rag for almost every interest and walk of life imaginable. Hipster JYAs, Subversive JYAs, Locally Oriented JYAs, Culturally Progressive JYAs, Intellectual JYAs, Jewy JYAs, Euro-centric JYAs, Oprah/Martha Stewart Loving JYAs, Religious JYAs, and even Prurient JYAs (and this is barely a partial list).

The JYA’s incessant need to spend precious free time writing about themselves probably stems from two sources. First, the typical JYA is quite opinionated, and strongly believes that his/her opinion is correct, and therefore feels a compelling drive to educate other JYAs about their moral righteousness. Second, the typical JYA is somewhat of an attention whore, and likes to have other JYAs acknowledge their presence. Unlike Non-JYAs, the JYA prefers to be the center of attention for their intellectual prowess as opposed to their ability to, say, hold the fraternity record for the longest keg stand.

These two factors lead JYAs to take the most intellectual path toward expressing themselves: the written word. And if you don’t agree with us, get some funding from a Jewish Non-Profit and start your own magazine.

#12 Non Profits

(submitted and written by Jay D.)

Maybe it had something to do with all the talk of repairing the world in Hebrew school, or maybe it’s because that degree from a liberal arts college isn’t the most sought after prize on the job market these days?

Whatever the case go to anywhere a large number of JYA’s are going to be and see how fast you can complete the alphabet with all the acronyms thrown around. In fact, I might go as far to say that at any given time of the day there is a conversation going on between two Jews, in the prime of their lives, talking about their non-profit jobs.

Examples include (but not limited to) “I just left my bubbe off at the JHE, now Im going to the JCC to get a workout”.
“Oh you are from Canada? I met a bunch of people from UIAFC when I went on Birthright”.
“This is my friend he works at YJCL downtown with Adam.”

It would also be safe to say that Jewish philanthropy has maybe knocked good Jewish doctors and good Jewish lawyers off the list of great Jewish jobs. Got 200 bucks lying around? Start a non-profit. You will be in league with some pretty huge names, and your mother can say “my boy, the Jewish philanthopist”. The very idea that you run your own non-profit makes it seem like you have already made it, now you want to spread the wealth.

Gift giving to non profits is also pretty big. Don’t know what to get your girlfriends sister for her birthday? Maybe donate money in her name to a non-profit that helps set up weddings for Russian Jewish immigrants. No wait, that would involve marriage. So, maybe plant a tree in her name somewhere in Israel. That always works.

It also stretches out to events. No matter how bad the food is, no matter what time of the year, non-profits (specifically Jewish ones, of which there are thousands) love to throw events, and JYA’s love to attend them. Mostly to tell their friends they are going there to “shmooze”. Which is another topic entirely.

#11 Taking Sides on the Hydrox/Oreo Conflict

(submitted and written by Natalie K.) 

JYAs have a nostalgic connection to the kosher chocolate sandwich cookie known as Hydrox. Some claim to prefer their darker chocolate flavor and sweeter crème, while others contend that Hydrox imitator, the Nabisco Oreo, deserves its overwhelming mainstream popularity on the merits of its superior taste. Curiously, this nostalgia trend holds regardless of the preference of the individual, regardless of whether the JYA keeps kosher now, did so as a child, or only encountered the cookie at Camp Gesher.

In a familiar story that, in many ways, mirrors the development of Judaism itself the invention of Hydrox preceded the development of the Oreo, but its antecedence and innovation are no longer recognized—indeed, many assume that Hydrox is the imitation and Oreo the original product, a confusion that may be compounded by the awkward product name more reminiscent of an industrial cleaner than a dessert food.

Nostalgia does not, however, translate into unequivocal support for Hydrox. More than Kurt Cobain’s death, more than the fall of the Berlin Wall, many JYAs will select 1998, the year that Oreos became kosher, as a pivotal moment in their coming of age experience.

Due to the emotional resonance of the conflict, most JYAs will solicit the opinions of their peers on the topic, and will staunchly defend their preferred crème sandwich. While it may be tempting to suggest a compromise, JYAs are reluctant to accept this preference as a difference of opinion and are prepared to supply evidence and anecdotes to support their claims.

After losing hold on the kosher market, Hydrox (renamed Droxies in 1999) could not compete with the superior advertising power and name recognition of the Oreo, and the brand was discontinued in 2003. If Hydrox had been continued, 2008 would mark the brand’s centenary and it would still find supporters in at least half of the JYA community.

#10 National Public Radio

If you have ever spent time in a car with a JYA roughly between the hours of 5pm and 6pm, you have undoubtedly spent a few moments listening to your local affiliate of National Public Radio. Now, if you are not a JYA then you have probably thought to yourself “What the hell is this crap?” On the other hand, if you are a JYA then you have thought to yourself either “I totally love Brian Lehrer” or “I totally scrolled through the contents of today’s show online three hours ago”.

Yes, JYAs of today are crazy for their National Public Radio, from All Things Considered to Marketplace to Prairie Home Companion. Not only does NPR feed in to their progressive liberal elitism, it also creates a stronger sense of their progressive liberal elitism. NPR and JYAs are in a symbiotic relationship of general equilibrium and Pareto optimality! NPR needs JYAs as much as JYAs need NPR.

Now, JYAs don’t necessarily donate to NPR, but their parents donate, so it’s totally OK. It is also a safe assumption that a disproportionally large amount of JYAs constitute the listeners of NPR as compared to the non-JYA national average. In addition, once a JYA gets exposed to NPR, (usually as a toddler from their JYA-with-child parents), they are hooked for life. Meaning that, when a Jewish Young Adult becomes a Jewish Well-to-do Retiree they will continue to listen to NPR, except they complain that NPR is too progressive, liberal, and elite.

#9 Taking Christ’s Name in Vain

(Submitted and Written by Natalie K.)

It would be logical to assume that Jewish Young Adults would, in keeping with their ethnic heritage and embracing of kitsch make use of uniquely Jewish expressions of exasperation and annoyance. But in their native habitats, whether that’s Cherry Hill, Huntington Woods or Mercer Island, their profanity resists this sort of stereotyping.

JYAs today are much more likely to invoke the famous but contentious figure of Jesus Christ. In addition to the classic exclamation: “Jesus Christ!” The Hebrologist will also note a number of variations on the theme, ranging from the more profane “Christ on a Cross!” or “Jesus son of Joseph!” or “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” to the silly “Jeezy Creezy” and “Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!”

This phenomenon is not isolated to diaspora Jewry. When JYA Rebecca moved from New York to Tel Aviv she commented, “I have to start practicing not saying Jesus Christ anymore, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.” After a year in the ancestral homeland, her usage has increased, and this is hardly atypical.

Maybe it is rooted in irony, or maybe it just feels good to say, but if you hear an under the breath “Jesus Christ!” look around, it’s probably coming from from a JYA.

#8 Regina Spektor

Yes, we all know Amy Winehouse is Jewish, but the way she has been acting lately is anything but as a Nice Jewish Girl. Yes, we all know that Bette Midler and Barbara Streisand are Jewish, but JYAs of today have nothing to do with the Borscht Belt. And yes, Pink is half Jewish, but she really doesn’t associate, does she?

(Regina: Az a yor ahf mir)

Today’s JYAs get their wholesome inspiration from a different source entirely, in the shape of the blue-eyed songstress Regina Spektor. Female JYAs love her because they can relate to her catchy yet eclectic lyrics that speak to womankind. Regina is like their best friend from Jewish summer camp who made it big but still sends them free tickets to her concerts whenever she is in town. Male JYAs love her because she presents an image of being potentially “gettable”. Regina is like their girlfriend from Jewish summer camp who made it big, doesn’t send them tickets to her concerts whenever she is in town, but would still remember their name if she ran in to them in the street.

Ms. Spektor is also an unabashed Jew, a graduate of Jewish day school in Riverdale, and the Frisch School in Paramus. She has played numerous times at various Jewish arts and music festivals around the country, and has also performed in Israel recently. In addition, she credits her songwriting spark to a hike in the Negev on a childhood trip to Israel.

So who better to earn the support of Jewish Young Adults than Regina Spektor? Talented, gorgeous, modest, and doesn’t act like Amy Winehouse. Plus she’s allegedly single. What more could you want?

(Amy: Es iz a shandeh far di kinder!)

#7 Psuedo Indie Media Outlets

The funny part about Jewish Young Adults is that they like to think of themselves as an independent ethnic/cultural group from the rest of society. The reality is that they are not a separate group, they are a subgroup within the larger framework of modern Americana.

The media tastes of Jewish Young Adults fits this mentality entirely. They seek out things that are independent in flavor, but in reality are just mainstream objects that are craftily disguised and marketed as independent to appeal to the Jewish Young Adults.

This peculiarity can be seen in any number of media streams. Jewish Young Adults are avid fans of underground hip-hop, but not the truly underground, rather the underground-sounding subgroups of major labels. Performers like Kanye West, Common, and Mos Def make frequent appearances on the Shuffle selection of many an Ipod of Jewish Young Adults. And while each one of these performers is skilled and noteworthy in their own right, it is much rarer to find truly independent artists like Serendipity Project or Atmosphere.

The same can be said about movies. Jewish Young Adults will bend over backwards to praise movies like Juno or Fargo, which have the look, feel, and smell of independent movies. But in reality these films are Studio films just like Spiderman 3.

Jewish Young Adults feel the same way about their weekly rags. Slate, McSweeney’s, and the New Republic, while independent in spirit, all have massive corporate parent companies.

Jewish Young Adults get off on feeling like they are special, and their taste in music, books, and movies augments this feeling of special-ness. But at the same time, Jewish Young Adults keep the door to mass media and pop culture open at all times, just in case they stray too far off the path.