#36 Discovering “New” Jews

When chronicling the unique characteristics of any social group, there are different categories of traits that can be addressed. One such category can best be described as “Hobbies” or “Pastimes”. These include activities that are pursued purely for pleasure, relaxation, or amusement, as opposed to occupations, obligations, or responsibilities. Within the Jewish Young Adult community, one of the most frequently observed hobbies is the activity of Discovering “New” Jews.

Discovering “New” Jews specifically refers to the detection of famous or influential people who were previously unknown to be Jewish. It does not refer to finding converts, but rather it means the outing of public figures as Jews to the wider JYA community. For example, singer Pink was found out to be Jewish from her mother’s side, and within two weeks every single JYA across the United States claimed to be a fan of her music. Alternatively, there is the example of the young actress Mila Kunis. Upon discovery of her Jewish heritage, the entire male JYA population country-wide felt she should break up with Non-Jewish Goyfriend Macaulay Culkin and date them instead.

The act of detection splits in to two separate categories, involving two different types of JYAs. First, there is the JYA who performs due diligence, or initial fact finding. These JYAs will go out of their way to seek out any information that could lead to the discovery of “New” Jews, like finding out that the owners of Timberland are big Hadassah donors. “Melissa”, a JYA living on the Upper East Side, displayed her fact-finding skills recently saying: “I totally saw Amanda Bynes at Kol Nidre at Emanuel last week!”.

Secondly, there is the JYA who prefers to disseminate or distribute the information that a “New” Jews has been discovered. These JYAs work closely with fact-finding JYAs, and use innovative means to spread data efficiently to the wider JYA community. “Joanna”, who is Melissa’s close friend and also a typical disseminator, made a recent posting on her “Camp Arazim Alum” Facebook group which stated: “My girl Melissa just saw Amanda Bynes at Kol Nidre! Where was she during color war 1995? For realz!”

There are other JYA hobbies and pastimes, but Discovering “New” Jews is arguably the most common, and also most global. JYA fact-finders and disseminators have embraced globalization to assist with the means, and improve the ends, of their initiative, making the discovery of “New” Jews a truly world-wide effort.

(Mila Kunis: Yes, she’s Jewish, now go tell everybody you know)

#35 Dramatizing the Probability of Dying Alone

Young Adults in general are prone to break-ups and bachelorhood. Whatever the reason, be it a fear of settling down, a desire to find something better, or simply shpilkes, the reality of potentially ending relationships, or never finding one to begin with, is an every day risk for people in their twenties and thirties. Even though the possibility of ending a relationship, or of being unable to start one, is daunting and worrisome, Jewish Young Adults have taken the issue to catastrophic extremes.

JYAs, contrary to their Non-Jewish counterparts, tend to overestimate the negative ramifications included in relationships, and shift their focus toward the marginal probability that they will be forced to live the rest of their lives in utter solitude, devoid of any affection or connubial interactions. While Non-Jews will console their recently broken-up friends and offer encouragement to their single friends, JYAs tend to pursue the opposite route, emphasizing the negative.

“Talia”, a 29 year old JYA from Chicago who recently ended a three month relationship with a young doctor, mentioned “I’m never going to find anybody. I should just freeze some eggs now so I can at least have a baby by the time I’m 40”. Talia’s friend offered little moral support, stated “She’s totally gained like ten pounds since the break up. Not even the losers on Jdate look at her now”.

Jewish Adults, specifically parents, are equally culpable for instilling feelings of nuptial negativity in the JYA community. “Linda”, Talia’s mother, upon hearing of her daughter’s break-up, declared “She never should have broken up with that Ari boy. His mother called me and told me that he just finished law school and he’s engaged to some Oriental girl who is converting for him. By the time she gets her act together all the good ones will be taken”.

While parental pressure could be one reason for the pessimistic mindset of JYA dating life, another possibility is that JYAs dramatize their courting experiences as a means of garnering increased sympathy and attention. Unfortunately, the attention they receive is from equally disenfranchised JYA peers, or needling adults, creating a downward spiral of exaggerated claims of unending solitude and seclusion. Therefore, if you are a Non-Jew who has a single or recently single Jewish friend, it is highly recommended that you force them to go on blind dates as compensation for the negative feedback they receive.

#34 Eastern Europe Revivalism

There are certain idiosyncrasies of Jewish Young Adults that withstand the test of time, like their need to not act like their mothers, and then there are idiosyncrasies that are temporary or trendy. One of the more recent fleeting interests of JYAs is their fascination with Eastern Europe. Like other trends, Eastern Europe Revivalism began with the JYA author Jonathan Safran Foer, and his catalyzing book Everything is Illuminated. Since then, countries that were previously under Soviet influence, either directly or indirectly, have become a frequent topic of JYA brunch conversations.

The topical curiosity with the Eastern Bloc has manifested itself in interesting ways, beginning with the revival of Yiddish. JYAs from Seattle to Haifa have been signing up for Yiddish classes, and local Yiddish theater troupes have sprouted across the globe, where enthusiastic JYAs can take their parents to readings of Hershele Ostropolyer with Itzy Friedberg in the leading role.

Secondly, since Foer’s popularity has skyrocketed, JYAs are discovering new authors, both recent and long deceased, to satiate their Eastern European fix. Sales of novels by Malamud and Bashevis Singer are surging, along with lesser known authors like Isaac Babel. More recent, and living, novelists, like Gary Shteyngart or Lara Vapnyar, are also enjoying increased revenue from a wider audience of interested JYAs.

Lastly, the music world has started to sprout a number of JYA driven bands with distinct Slavic/Bolshevik intonations. Bands like Gogol Bordello and Balkan Beat Box are tearing through the underground scene of New York and onto the Shuffle setting of JYAs in Jerusalem.

It could be that JYA fascination with all things Eastern European is fleeting, like their interest in Hip-Hop in the 90’s, or their interest in Wynona Rider in the 80’s. But even if the interest is temporary, Eastern European Revivalism, in all its shapes and forms, is as hot in the JYA community as Lindsey Lohan’s alleged lesbianism on PerezHilton.com.

#33 Appropriating Buddhism

While Buddhism has been popular in the West for quite some time, it must be noted that it was Jews who were the trendsetters of its importation. Specifically, Allen Ginsberg and his beat cohort became enamored of Zen Buddhism after WWII and all their individualist non-conformist friends fell into lockstep with the new movement. Following those free-thinkers was the inevitable pack of rebel celebrities, like Goldie Hawn and Robert Downey Jr, contributing to this sixty year old tradition.

What makes the Jewish Young Adult appropriation of Buddhism today different is that JYAs, while adopting a new religion, don’t leave their original faith. They sit zazen at the local Zen Center and go to silence meditations in the Negev, but come back reading The Jew in the Lotus or doing Passover with the Buddhist Haggadah. They even refer to themselves by the catchy nomenclature “Jubu”, or “Buju” if you are on the West Coast.

“Yeah, it’s like, Buddhism isn’t really a religion,” said JYA “Sara” explaining the intersection of the two faiths, “It’s more like a philosophy or like a practice, you know?”

When informed that millions of people worldwide including the Dalai Lama, the Panchen Lama, and every thinking person consider Buddhism a religion, “Sara” responded, “Well, everyone is entitled to their opinion.”

The philosophical gloss covers a multitude of differences, significantly, monotheism versus polytheism; the belief in God as the primary director of morality versus either a self directed process for Therevada Buddhism (popular in India and Bhutan) or a morality directed by a multitude of Buddhist style saints in Mahayana Buddhism (popular in Tibet and China). Needless to say the relegation of these essential beliefs to the realm of philosophy does nothing to assuage Jewish mothers. Still, “Phyllis”, a Jewish Adult and also Sara’s mother, purchased a full set of Yoga clothing from LuluLemon in order to attend an introduction meditation class with her JYA daughter, where she noted encouragingly “So many nice Jewish boys for my daughter! But I think they might all be the gays”.

A common source of confusion for JYA JuBus is the doctrine of karma. Perhaps because of an essential lack of patience, JYAs misunderstand that karma, both good and bad, is accrued over the course of every lifetime, and its results are unlikely to be seen for millennia. The confusion seems to stem from a belief that karma is roughly equivalent to schadenfreude or logic. “My ex cheated on me all the time,” JYA “Adi” recalled, “And after we broke up I heard from Aaron whose cousin is best friends with the girl he’s dating now that he got Mono. That’s total karma coming back to bite him.”

Jews typically first encounter Buddhism in high school or early college. Unlike in their religion, which pretty much demands you get it right the first time around, the do-over aspect of Buddhism is appealing to a group struggling to negotiate identities and trying out different ways of being, or not being religious. Most JYAs outgrow this phase and look back with a little embarrassment even as the remains of “Free Tibet” bumper stickers are still glued to their cars.

#32 Excessive Reunioning

(idea submitted by Amanda G.)

The act of going to a Reunion is enjoyed by Jewish Young Adults and Non Jewish Young Adults alike. Attending a 10 year or 20 year high school or college reunion, for example, is a chance for Jews and Non Jews to mingle and socialize with old friends, relive fun memories, and confirm if those that were previously attractive are still attractive. What is unique about the JYA community is that their definition of “Reunion” is much wider and vaguer than those of Non-JYAs, resulting in numerous opportunities to attend such events. Arguably, the reason why JYAs attend so many reunions, either formal or informal, is their acute need to constantly compare themselves to their JYA peers.

For JYAs, the events that fall under the category of “Reunion” can be as informal as monthly poker games with your pals from Givati, or they can be as ceremonial as The Camp Young Judaea Midwest Annual Reunion Gala Extravaganza. JYA reunioning is also frequently based on shared experiences such as summer camps, Israel trips, or Jewish Fraternities. One JYA, “Ari” recently took a four hour Fung Wah bus ride on from Boston to Manhattan in order to attend a last minute birthday party of one of his former Birthright pals from the summer before. Upon arrival at the bar, “Ari” was greeted by boisterous shouts from many of his travel companions of “Deuce Deuce Represent!” in reference to the bus (Number 22) they rode on together throughout their ten day experience in the Holy Land.

JYAs enjoy reunioning to such a pointed degree where they are willing to suffer through long journeys and uncomfortable experiences just so they can scrutinize the status of their JYA counterparts. For example, “Tricia”, a JYA from Huntington Beach, flew to Miami for the wedding of a friend from Camp Ramah, of which they both graduated 10 years prior. Upon arrival at the reception, “Tricia” mentioned: “I can’t believe I flew six hours to get here and Jessica put me at the table with all those bitches from Cabin Six. Whatever, at least they’re all fat now”.

Whatever the distance, and regardless of their affection or lack thereof for the attendees, JYAs, like moths to a flame, will go to great lengths just to gather with other JYAs from their past. This deep rooted desire to meet with people from the past and just them does not dissipate over time, and arguably becomes more intense as the JYA reaches adulthood. Unfortunately, there is no cure to this ailment in the JYA community, therefore if you are a Non Jew who is in a relationship with a JYA, be forewarned that excessive reunioning is part of the package when dating a JYA. As a Non-JYA, you are unlikely to have fun at such an event, and if you feel yourself being scrutinized, odds are strong that you are.

(Hey Oranim 2006 Bus 5! Next year in Mercury Bar in Murray Hill!)

#31 Dressing Up as Monotheistic Figures

Jewish Young Adults, like their non-Jew peers, enjoy letting loose and reveling disguised as other characters whenever it is permissible. Unfortunately, unless the JYA is an actor or actress, opportunities to don the mask of other personae are scant. Fortunately, the JYA has twice as many opportunities to do so compared to his Non-JYA counterparts. While Non-Jews play Dress Up only on the Halloween, the JYA is awarded the opportunity at Purim as well.

The JYA approach toward dressing up stands in counterdistinction to typical Non-JYA approaches. Usually, Non-JYAs lean toward more prurient costume choices, while the JYA does not. Non-JYA women overwhelming choose to abuse Halloween noting that it is one of the few times in a year when debauchery is socially acceptable. Therefore, Non-JYA women opt to don costumes of “sexy” versions of ordinarily lackluster figures from daily life. Fraternity Halloween parties are virtually overrun with “sexy” nurses, “sexy” girl-scouts, or vintage Britney Spears. Male Non-JYAs respond in similar fashion, becoming “pimps”, “gangster rappers”, or “gangster pimps”.

While Non-JYAs revel in Halloween’s decadence, depravity, and sexual license, JYAs are typically seen in costumes that tend toward the puritan. Specifically, JYAs, whether in the US, the UK, or Israel, will costume themselves for Halloween (or Purim) in the guise of popular figures from other major monotheistic religions. These costumes can be general, like “nun”, or “abbot”, but they can also be much more specific, like “Jesus” or “Bishop Desmond Mpilo Tutu”. Whether specific or general, JYAs will rarely be seen dressing up as figures from Judaism, neither from the Biblical nor Talmudic era, with the important exception of “Moses”.

(This female JYA chose to attend Purim festivities as a Breslov Hasid)

One convincing theory as to why JYAs like to dress up as famous Non Jews during Halloween or Purim is their general curiosity about the mentality of Non Jews. JYAs are frequently baffled by how Non Jews, particularly Protestants, function in day to day life, and stepping into their clothing for two days a year serves as an adequate substitute for deeper inquiry into the faiths of Non Jews. This is also a safe way for JYAs to explore the other side while not actually having to interact with Non JYAs.

If you want to meet a Nice Jewish Girl or Good Jewish Boy at the next Halloween parade in Manhattan, avoid the many alluring and scantily clad women and men dressed like Jezebels and Absaloms– these partygoers are not Jewish. If you are looking for a JYA, seek out a modestly dressed reveller, perhaps one who would fit in equally in the confessional.

#30 Tardiness

(idea submitted by Blair H.)

One of the more common peculiarities of Jewish Young Adults is their tendency to be tardy. This incessant lateness, commonly known as Jewish Standard Time, is frequently exhibited in social situations, where the JYA will, on average, arrive at least twenty minutes past when they were expected to arrive. While many cultures exhibit the quality of delayed arrival, there are specific traits within the Jewish community that make JST a distinct anomaly which merits further study.

First, there is the generation issue of JST. While JYAs will seem to place no moral or ethical value on punctuality, their Jewish Elder counterparts are notorious for their early arrival. JYAs can be seen running through the airport to catch a flight because they couldn’t leave the house on time, while JEs can be seen sitting in the departure lounge reading Margaret Atwood three and a half hours before boarding time. Therefore, one of the unique aspects of JYA lateness is how quickly the JST effect dissipates and reverses into a fanatic need for uber-promptness as the JYA ages.

Secondly, there is embedded nature of JST that has permeated across all JYA communities world-wide and has become so systematic that it seems irreparable. A group of JYAs who have all agreed with each other to meet at the local JDate Speed-dating event at 8:30 will not bother showing up till 9:00pm because they know full well that none of their counterparts will be there till 9:00pm either. A typical interaction between two JYAs who have planned to meet typically runs as follows: Say they have previously planned to meet at 9:30pm at the local bar. Neither of the two will officially make any indication of leaving the house until one gets frustrated and calls the other, asking where they are. The second will lie and imply that he/she is leaving the house now, even though he/she has not prepared for departure. The first will automatically assume that the second has not even begun preparing for departure, and therefore will only then begin his/her preparation to leave as well at that moment. Both will arrive at 10:15.

Lastly, it is important to note that JYAs take liberties with showing up on time only with other JYAs, or with family. When the JYA has scheduled with Non-Jews they are instinctively trained to show up on time, knowing subconsciously that Non-Jews do not share in their apathy toward punctuality, and would therefore not understand the status quo.

These three factors make Jewish Standard Time an unavoidable daily occurrence; a fact that is widely accepted and unquestioned. Unfortunately, the JYA penchant for leaving for a meeting roughly at the time that they are supposed to arrive creates frequent friction between JYAs and JEs; which seems to be irresolvable.

#29 Reefer

(idea submitted by Hannah W.)

There is a wide held belief that every minority group has its own characteristic vice. For example, the Catholic community is allegedly inclined toward alcohol consumption, the Mormons have a penchant for polygamy, and the Japanese seem to display a liking to buying underwear from vending machines. In the same vein, Jewish Young Adults also display their own idiosyncratic subversive habit in the form of Cannabis.

While many subgroups and ethnicities have a tendency to toke, JYAs display more than a simple inclination toward smoking Marijuana; with JYAs it is more of a disposition. There are two interesting aspects of JYAs propensity to puff-puff-give. First, usage of the Wacky Weed is limited to JYAs only, and the trend does not continue with Jewish Elders. The most prevalent vice for JEs is coffee, in all of its various forms, and it still remains to be revealed what exactly triggers the switch from joints to java in the Jewish community.

Secondly, the desire for doobie in the JYA community transcends both national and religiously sectarian lines. Secular JYAs are just as likely to choke down the cheeba as religious JYAs. In fact, the Orthodox Yeshiva communities of Jerusalem are known country-wide as the best areas in Israel to score some hydroponic green in times on need. The universality of Mary Jane for JYAs is also a worldwide phenomenon. The means of “getting blazed” might be different in the various communities, but the ends are the same. JYAs from the States seem to favor the direct hash-pipe approach, and the occasional water bong, while JYAs from Europe and Israel prefer the spliff method, usually in the form of a 50-50 mix of Pot and Parliament Lights.

Be it medicinal or recreational, JYAs show a heightened interest in Tetrahydrocannabinol, more so than other minority groups, which seems to affect even the most devout non-smokers. For the Non Jew who is ever looking to purchase some Marijuana, odds are very strong that a nearby JYA will probably have some sitting in tin in the freezer, readily available for consumption. And if for some reason the JYA is “dry”, he/she will undoubtedly be able to make a quick phone call to any numbers of other JYAs to solve the crisis. Unfortunately for Non Jews who are looking for “harder” substances, the JYA will be unable to help, and the Non Jew would be better off asking a WASP.

#28 Self Deprecation

(idea submitted by Becca B.)

Self Deprecation is defined as tending to undervalue oneself and one’s abilities. It is frequently used as a form of humor where people make jokes about themselves or their shortcomings. Jewish Elder comedians like Phyllis Diller and Sid Caesar brought this Jewish idiosyncrasy out of the shtetl and in to the public eye with their stand up routines of the Fifties. Many JEs of that era derived strength from the use of Self Deprecation; as 87 year old lifelong Hadassah member “Marlene Shoenholtz” states: “That way we’ll make fun of ourselves before the goyim do” Since then, Self Deprecation has evolved and grown with the times, but the core principle of belittling oneself has remained intact, and has become a cornerstone for many social interactions in Jewish Young Adults.

The use of Self Deprecation in the JYA community of today has become more robust and sophisticated, ranging from the traditional use in humor to more advanced techniques ranging from flirtation to encouragement. For example, many male JYAs will use Self Deprecation to present themselves as meek or pitiful with the hope that a potential female JYA will take pity and offer support, ideally in some physical form. Commonly used forms of Self Deprecation in this manner include “I used to be fat in high school”, “I was such a band geek growing up”, or “I am so bad with women”. The male JYA uses these examples in the hopes of eliciting sympathetic responses from female JYAs, like “Who cares what you looked like back then, you’re a little hottie now”, or “Any girl would love you”.

Self Deprecation as a means of encouragement is a more subtle procedure, usually favored by female JYAs. Usually one female will be unsatisfied with a specific attribute, and another female friend will offer support accordingly. For example:

Tricia: “OMG I look fatter than Brittney in these Diesels I got yesterday”

Jackie: “You look totally hot. You are so much hotter than I am. Nobody is even going to talk to me tonight cause you look so hot”

Such an interaction usually merits reciprocal Self Deprecation as a form of encouragement from the first female, which may or may not lead to a secondary, and possibly even a tertiary round of Self Deprecation between the two parties.

To the casual Non Jewish observer, Self Deprecating interactions could seem to indicate a severe lack of self esteem or self confidence, but the truth is rather different. The JYA is quite self confident and assured, they just use Self Deprecation as a cunning method of having other JYAs share in their self confidence.

#27 Parliament Lights

Though smoking cigarettes is not a healthy or appealing habit, there are a number of Jewish Young Adults, both in the States and abroad, who smoke regularly or socially. Of those that smoke, there is an undeniable preference amongst JYAs for Parliament Lights.

JYA Regina Spektor reminisces about smoking Parliaments in her song “That Time.” While Ms. Spektor certainly has her individualist quirks, this places her squarely in the fold of the JYA community. Most JYAs probably smoke their first cigarette in High School or College, and 87.3% of the time, that introductory cigarette will be a Parliament light. Shaken from a blue and white pack with a distinctive recessed paper filter, this cigarette inspires a brand loyalty that spreads like viral marketing through the JYA community creating a bond that will last until the Jewish Elder the JYA has since become ceases smoking or dies.

If you have never encountered a Parliament cigarette, you can be sure to spot dozens at any Alpha Epsilon Pi gathering where they will be chain-smoked by girls standing next to the pony keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon who “only smoke when I’m drinking or stressed” neglecting to add that drinking and stress are daily occurrences. The parking lots of High Schools in New Jersey and Long Island are also a fruitful hunting ground, as are weddings in Israel for cousins of varying degrees of familial connection.

There are many theories as to why JYA smokers prefer Parliaments over other cigarettes. One possible speculation is that JYAs enjoy disassociating from the mainstream in general, and therefore would inherently choose a more exclusive brand of cigarettes than the garden variety, and best selling, Marlboro Lights. Secondly, JYAs frequently harbor feelings of superiority over their Non-Jewish peers, and therefore would be subconsciously attracted to the seeming exclusivity of the name “Parliament”. One theorist has even postulated that JYAs prefer smoking Parliaments because of their Blue and White packaging, in subconscious solidarity with the State of Israel.

Whatever the reasons, the propensity of JYAs to spark up a Parliament Light as opposed to any other brand of cigarette is readily observable, and merits further academic inquiry. For now we will have to rely only on anecdotal evidence.

(another JYA social smoker)