#83 Pretending to Know about the “Stock Market”

(idea submitted by Darren M.)

The perception that Jews are good with money and financial matters has been around for many decades, and yes, there are many more Jews working in the world of finance than in Coal Mining.  The reality is that not all Jews are as fiscally acute as the stereotype, especially the younger generation.  Therefore, for Jewish Young Adults of today, the perception of being good with money is much stronger than the truth, and hence Jewish Young Adults have adopted the bizarre practice of pretending to know more about economic issues than they actually do.

It is unclear why JYAs would undertake this minor fib, but the instances are readily perceptible to any discriminating observer.  For example, female JYA “Shayna” was recently overheard bragging to one of her multiple best friends that “My boyfriend is totally smart.  He only invests in government bonds cause they are high yield”.  Even though her friend nodded approvingly, minimal research would show that government bonds are actually low yield, commensurate with their extremely low risk.

Another example is JYA “Randy” who mentioned to his coworker at Tenjune “I’m totally going to short Ford”.  While this act seems like an impressive move, even a casual observer would note that Randy’s decision is about four years too late, and shorting the stock now, simply because the car industry is in the news in recent months, may suffer from “too little too late”.

As a third example, in light of the recent economic situation in America, many JYAs have been heard stating “I totally saw it coming” in various social situations.  While plausible, this claim is highly improbable, as even most pedigreed academics in the field were caught off guard.

Typically if you call out a JYA about their supposed financial industry credibility, they will either offer you unsubstantiated anecdotal evidence in support of their claims, or they will immediately backtrack and reverse their initial argument.  Therefore, in order to avoid awkward situations, and to save the JYA from humiliation, it is advised to nod and smile along and ask a friendly Mormon for their advice.

#82 Pretending to like Israeli Rap

Israel is not a country known for its global musical influence.  Sure, the entire world uses IM and cell phones based on Israeli technology, and the country appears frequently in the news, but rarely does anybody outside of the Middle East hear about the other aspects of Israeli culture.  That is why it is odd that Jewish Young Adults frequently claim to follow the Israeli Hip-Hop scene.

JYAs are usually exposed to the world of Hebraic Rap either at a Birthright Mega Event (or any similar event commemorating a trip to Israel), or at a local Israel Day celebration.  The bands are brought to such events specifically to gain the interest of JYAs, especially unaffiliated JYAs who would otherwise avoid such events.  Ironically, JYAs find themselves, at least temporarily, avid fans of these groups, even though they have no idea what they are singing about.

Typically JYAs are familiar with the name of one act, at most two, and will flaunt their supposed acquaintance with Israeli Hip-Hop acts to other JYAs, especially when attended such events as listed above.  JYA “Ari”, a regular attendee at San Francisco’s annual Israel in the Gardens event, mentioned to “Sarah”, “Subliminal was here last year, it was such a phat show”.  Even though they may know the name, the JYA usually will not be able to list any specific song or individual member of the band.

Therefore, the assumption is that JYAs are not actual fans of the bands in question, but rather pretend to like Israeli Hip Hop when surrounded by other JYAs, supposedly because they feel a need to assert themselves.  This claim is further supported by the fact that Israeli Rap is not very good in general, and is also not technically pure hip hop or rap in many cases (frequently more funk or reggae).  Unfortunately, there is little correlation between this alleged interest and actual CD sales of any of the bands in question.

#81 Bragging about Bargains

(idea submitted by Miriam Z)

Jewish Young Adults of today tend to be highly conscientious consumers, be it in knowing exactly what they want, knowing exactly where to find it, or knowing exactly how much an item is worth.  While everybody likes to get a good deal now and again, scoring a pricey item for a fair value, JYAs have a keen subconscious understanding of nebulous economic concepts like price elasticity and utility, making them prone to bragging about bargains.

It is important to note that modern day JYAs are not concerned about the price point, but rather focus their efforts on the percent change from the original price.  In other words, it is not the amount paid that illicit bragging rights, but rather the amount not paid.

For example, “Lisa”, a female JYA paralegal from the Upper East Side, makes her annual Hajj to the Barney’s Warehouse Sale every summer, and gleefully announced to her best friend “Can you believe I got a Balenciaga for half off!”  While a fifty percent reduction is an outstanding discount for any product, Lisa slyly failed to mention that the original retail price was nearly $1700, and that she still paid over nine hundred dollars with tax.

Male JYAs are just as prone as females to brag about their bargains.  “Mark”, an aspiring entertainment lawyer from Los Angeles, wrote on his Facebook profile that he “Totally got hooked up with free beers at Element last night”.  While impressive in its own right, Mark ignored the fact that he shelled out over four hundred dollars for a table that same night, not including the fifty dollar door charge to get in.

Therefore, for any Non-Jew who is concerned about how much something actually costs, as opposed to how much you could save, it is recommended to do your own research instead of relying on hyperbolic information from a JYA.

#80 Seven Jeans

The world of fashion is fickle and fleeting, just like tastes are fickle and fleeting.  Rarely is there a specific piece of fashion retail that captures the attention of a wide group of people, and rarely does a wide population adopt a specific item and make it their own.  Even though, one specific item has become a prominent fixture in closets and dressers of Jewish Young Adults across the globe:  Seven Jeans.

Sevens, officially named Seven for all of Mankind, emerged out of LA in 2000, backed by Jewish fashion icon Marc Jacobs, and singlehandedly rejuvenated the fashion denim market in the United States practically overnight.  Very quickly Sevens took over the JYA fashion market as well, beginning with women and eventually spilling over to the men as well.

For female JYAs the appeal of Sevens was obvious from the beginning.   JYA “Shannon” summarized the appeal of the brand succinctly, stating “My ass looks so good in these”.

For males JYAs, the prerequisite for purchasing a pair of Sevens was the public recognition of the concept called Metrosexualilty, sometime around 2004.  Once it became acceptable for a males to show strong concern for their outward appearance and own hair products, male JYAs flocked to the brand as well, eager to attract female attention with their new jeans.

Even though there are plenty of high end designer jeans on the market today, Sevens remain a JYA favorite, from the malls of Los Angeles to the streets of London, and even in the boutiques of Tel Aviv.

#79 Gaga

(dedicated to our friend Benji, 2nd runner up in the 1994 Southwestern US Gaga Championship tournament)

There are a handful of Jewish sports figures that have truly become household names over the years: Mark Spitz, Sandy Koufax, Max Baer, and Kerry Strug to name a few.  But for Jewish Young Adults, there are also countless unsung sports heroes scattered across the globe that will probably never get the credit they deserve for their prowess, agility, and dexterity, and will spend the rest of their days relegated to the unfortunate abyss of memories and legends.  The reason these unseen athletes will never see the spotlight is not because they lack physical ability when compared to their Non-Jewish counterparts, but rather because they play a sport that nobody knows but JYAs:  Gaga.

The game of Gaga, aka Israeli Dodgeball, is typically played in an octagonal enclosure, but any other completely enclosed space also works.  The point of the game is to eliminate other players by hitting a ball with an open hand or fist into the region at or below his/her knees.  That player is subsequently “out” and must leave the Gaga playing area, or “pit”.  The winner is the last one standing, and is rewarding with bountiful bragging rights.

There are a number of reasons why Gaga is popular with JYAs.  First, the sport became popular in Jewish summer camps across the Globe sometime in the late 70s, and has remained a steadfast pastime ever since.  Secondly, Gaga is non-discriminatory, non-denominational, and pluralistic, meaning that every type of person can play.  Indeed, many summer camps quickly formed Girls-only, Boys-only, and Counselors-Only leagues accordingly.  Finally, JYAs like Gaga because, unlike other Jewishly inclined sports like Ultimate Frisbee, Gaga has remained completely insulated from Non-Jews, meaning there is never any fear that Chris, the huge WASPY football player, will show up and wallop you.

The sport of Gaga apparently peaked in the mid/late nineties, followed by nearly a decade of decline.  But many sources have shown a recent resurgence of interest, including the first ever indoor arena (no joke), and there are even rumors that major sports brands are looking for star talent to sponsor.  Unfortunately, the sport of Gaga is not currently slated for the upcoming Olympic Games, but if current trends continue there is some hope that the Maccabiah games will offer the sport in 2025.

(Gaga at its finest)

#78 Assuming the Worst

(idea submitted by Jesykah F.)

In the typical vein of generational relationships, children usually try to buck the trend set by their parents.  But sometimes certain traits transcend age brackets and becoming  unifying cross-generational factors.  One such example that has been adopted by Jewish Young Adults is the tendency to Assume the Worst.

The condition of Assuming the Worst has no clear origins, nor does it have a specific target.  Rather, when a JYA assumes the worst, it is usually ad hoc, and about the most trivial matters.  For example, JYA “Hannah” recently scuffed one of her new pumps and announced on her Facebook that “I have to find a new pair of shoes for work and there is no way that I am every going to be able to get to work and they are going to fire me and I will never be able to find a job again”.  Another example is JYA “Gary” who got snubbed for the ZBT formal and announced to his frat brothers that he “will never get poon ever again”

This JYA trait can be seen across the Atlantic as well.  One JYA teacher in Israel recently cancelled a full week of classes because one of her third graders caught a cold and the teacher immediately assumed the student had swine flu and would infect the entire school (true story).

Fortunately for JYAs, the worst case scenario rarely actually happens, unfortunately that does not stop JYAs from presupposing the worst possible outcome the next time a conflict arises.

It is important to note that JYAs assume the worst case scenario usually only when the issue at hand is trivial.  With more complex and serious matters, JYAs have typically proven to be more rational.

#77 Blossom

(dedicated to Nina W.)

There are many television shows that have captured the hearts and minds of Jewish Young Adults over the years, from obvious favorites like Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm to more subtle preferences like Frasier.  But hidden underneath the layers of sitcom blockbusters there are a few gems that have gained cult classic status with the JYA community, one particular example being Blossom.

Blossom was aired for five seasons in the early Nineties and chronicled the trials and tribulations of the Russo family through the eyes of their teenage daughter, Blossom, played by proud Jewess Mayim Bialik.   Even though the Russo family is not Jewish, Bialik’s character is so flagrantly in the Jewish closet that it is easy to pretend the whole show is about the Rabinowitz family and not the Russo family.

Female JYA’s dig Blossom because of her smart yet funky yet wholesome yet strong willed yet cool yet sophisticated vibe, and the fact that she always got the quality men.  Male JYA’s dig her next door neighbor, Six, played by covert hottie Jenna van Oy.

Even though the show was never a huge smash when compared to othe shows of that era, namely Rosanne and Home Improvement, JYAs still harbored a certain kinship to the lead character due to her blatantly Jewish heritage, as exemplified by her Hebrophilic name.  Soon after, Ms. Bialik left Hollywood to pursue academia, completing her PhD in 2008 and popping out Conservative babies along the way.  Unfortunately, the show has not reached syndication, yet.

#76 Birthright

(idea submitted by Elise S. and our good friend Benji)

If you were a 19 year old sophomore in a small liberal arts college in the North East and someone offered you a free trip to a foreign land where the drinking age was 18, the probability of hooking up was practically infinite, and you could enjoy some sunlight in December while the rest of your city was covered in snow, wouldn’t you go for it? For countless Jewish Young Adults, this dream has become a reality in the form of Taglit-Birthright.

Birthright provides free ten day trips to Israel for JYAs the world over aged 18-26, complete with Bedouin camel rides, sexy soldiers, and ill-fitting complimentary t-shirts. But more importantly, it’s a free winter/spring break that Jewish Adults can blindly support without much protest. JYA and recent birthright alum “Lisa” mentioned that “I totally wanted to go to Cabo with Allison and Michelle but my mom was like ‘No way my daughter is going to be on Girls Gone Wild’ so we decided to go to Israel instead”.

But ultimately the real appeal of Birthright is the booty. Many JYAs have exhausted the options at their local college chapter of Hillel, and Birthright offers a field of fresh meat, ripe for the picking. Unfortunately, most Birthright relationships die the second the JYA gets back on the plane. Chico State Junior “Danny” spent the entire ten day trip claiming to his friends that he was getting his flirt on with a voluptuous female soldier and was subsequently shocked when she rejected his profile on FaceBook upon his return.

Whatever the reasons, be they altruistic, egotistic, or prurient, Birthright has become a veritable rite of passage for the modern day JYA; as ubiquitous as Jdate and much more fun than going to the Matzah Ball.

#75 Dirty Dancing (the movie)

There are many films that capture the hearts and minds of Jewish Young Adults, but one film specifically has managed over time to become what could be the only JYA cult classic of all time: Dirty Dancing.

The 1987 romantic classic chronicles one summer in 1963 when (obviously Jewish) Frances “Baby” Houseman goes to a (obviously Jewish) family resort in the Catskills and falls for the (dashingly Non-Jewish) dance instructor. Baby’s parents clearly don’t approve of the un-kosher shidduch and drama ensues between father and daughter.

What makes this particular film a JYA favorite is that it touches on so many issues that are universal and timeless for the larger Jewish community; like hitting up daddy for money, hooking up at summer camp, practicing on Non-Jews, and contemplating rhinoplasty. In addition, many songs from the soundtrack have been staples at proms and AEPi mixers for the last two decades. As JYA “Tania” recently pointed out begrudgingly at her most recent local Matza Ball, “Ugh, there isn’t one guy here who even comes close to dancing like Patrick Swayze”.

Male JYAs are reluctant to reveal their affection for the film, but sources reveal that many a JYA male has attempted to recreate the infamous lift scene from the climax of the movie (risking back pain, concussions, or worse), in an attempt to impress the ladies. “Chicks dig the lift” noted local ZBT chapter president “Zach”.

Though there are other films that have managed to infiltrate the JYA psyche, Dirty Dancing will always hold a special place in the hearts, minds, and loins of JYAs for many years to come.

It is important to note that the 2004 sequel, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, has negligible cultural credibility with the JYA community, and therefore should never be ordered on Netflix.

#74 Daniel Craig

(idea submitted by Matthew B.)

It is a common perception that Jews tend to fall on the less physical and more cerebral spectrum of behavior. Jews are historically well known for being academics and thinkers as opposed to champion sportsmen or warriors. This perception has permeated into the upbringing of many Jewish Young Adults, particularly males who tended toward the scrawnier side during high school and were frequently last picked for basketball in PE class. Therefore JYAs show a lot of admiration when a Jew comes around who breaks out of that mold and asserts his/her strength and vigor. Ironically, nobody is a better anti-stereotypical Jew than Non-Jewish actor Daniel Craig.

Craig, the rugged 41 year old British actor, received his “Good for the Jews” stamp of approval because he has twice played ass-kicking Jews – more than any other Goy – in major motion pictures; Munich and Defiance. In both films Craig portrays pistol-whipping resolve and manly gruffness in ways that Woody Allen could only have wet dreams about.

In this vein, Craig has achieved what could be the closest equivalent to Jewish Cool: boys want to be him, girls want to be with him. “Ugh, I wish my boyfriend was more like Daniel Craig in Munich”, bemoaned JYA “Lisa” to her work friend, “He’s just so, like, not Daniel Craig, you know?”

Male JYA “Matt” echoed this sentiment stating that “That Bond dude gets so much poon it’s unfair. Leave some for the rest of us, man.”

Hopefully Craig will bless us with more of his acting skill, bringing out the rough and rugged side of historical Jewish figures. Maybe a biopic of Judah the Maccabbee?